I’m not the perfect one in your mind

Posted by Yuka as Hot Cities

I suppose everybody thinks that I’m an excellent and helpful girl. But in fact, I’m not the one now.
I’ve been confident, excited and helpful before, but I have changed to a worse one.
At first, I thought that wasn’t a big matter, so I didn’t care it very much. Up to now, I get that I was wrong. I did harm to myself.
People said that time could change everything, but why I can’t.
Currently, I have a sense of ambiguity to my life.
I am always thinking what I live for?
I lost my aim, lost my spirit.
I’m always depressed these days.
Everyday, every time, I can’t work carefully. And I always make some fantasy to make me frightened.
I am worried about and afraid of something but I can’t say out what it is.
How come I will be like this?
I am getting to dislike myself.
I know that I am killing my time.
But it seems that I can’t alter myself.
Though I know that we can’t depend on others, I normally do that.
Others think I am laborious at everything I do.
Apparently, you see, I am lazy. I don’t have my own idea.
When I get a good humor, I am active. Oppositely, I am silent and sad.
I am easily changed by the environment.
And the things around me are easily to make me down.
I yearn for my past, the active, optimistic one.
At that time, nothing could let me down and I had a perfect memory.
Nowadays, I just say what to do but not take any actions in the end.
Is that I am unable or unconfident? Or I am lazy?
My friends are fighting for their own dream.
But I am staying in a corner; fall behind because of my mind.
I am in darkness and I’m unhappy.
Then my friends are worried about me, of course, I don’t want them to worry, but, how can I change myself?
I have tried some ways, but it’s inactive.
Most importantly, I hardly finish what I start.
I’m confused with my life, my mind.
I’ve wasted a lot of libido that I can’t do anything carefully.
I don’t listen to the teachers but I don’t want.
Then, what happened?
I begin to lose my confidence and energy in learning English.
And I even don’t finish homework or go over lessons.
I don’t wanna do anything, just kill time again and again, say, play computer and stay up late.
What can change me? Or what can I do?
Maybe just I know that.